Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The revenge of Japan…..Toyota

Ever since the united States dropped two nuclear bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945 to end the second world war, Japan has been plotting and planning (insert maniacal laugh) their revenge on the U.S. Japanese Scholars have studied the best methods to inflict optimum damage on the U.S. in schools such as the optimum damage to the American people institute of Japan; and politicians have ran campaigns on the premise that they will be the ones to figure out how to get back at “those damn McDonalds eating, TV watching, pig slaughtering, rosy O’Donnell hating, Paris Hilton loving, women rights giving, not cutting off peoples heading, rollercoaster riding, hospital and basic human rights having, American swine; or chi hi wanga sho han cho as the Japanese say.” (Granted politicians have also run campaigns on the premise that they look like Tom Cruise and thus are Japan’s savior, but that doesn’t detract from the fact that the price of tea in china is 60 cents to the yen)

Well I have the insider story. That’s not the story where we talk about how thin celebrities in Hollywood are, which extremely white actress recently adopted an African American baby, or how Opera Winfry has healing powers that Jesus would be jealous of, but rather this is a serious report on extremely serious topics, for an extremely serious station. Hey why is my microphone a beer bottle and the camera a bottle of scotch? That is so weird. Well if the network dictates, I must obey. Glug glug.

A lot of people believe that Chinese food was Japans retort, but that is in fact not so. We all know that Japan and China are not the same. That’s like saying MontrĂ©al and Toronto are the same. And as I learned the hard way, it’s never smart to say that they are the same to a Canadian with a hockey stick. It will end up impaled in your chest ayyy; to a Canadian it simply not the same.

So what is the brilliant light bulb breakthrough? What have the devious Japanese people devised in a pure act of deviously devious deviety?......The answer is the car manufacturing company of Toyota. Yes that is right. Amidst the investigation over the recent recalls by the Japanese based company, evidence has surfaced that indicates Toyota cars are in fact the Wooden Troy Trojan Horse of Japan. How so? Glad you asked. Oh you didn’t. And now you’re walking away. Well I’ll tell you anyway. They offer us cheaper cars that “perform better” so that the every American driveway is populated by a Toyota car, and then no, they do not hide little tiny Japanese dudes in the trunks who pop out at night and open the gates of hell on all the soccer moms of America; but rather, they snip the gas lines, and tamper with the breaks, and force Americans everywhere to walk to work for a change while their cars are in the shops.

This is a great travesty, because if there is anything that Americans hate more than losing their blackberries, its having to walk from place to place instead of driving the two blocks to the dollar store to buy little toys that break the second you take it out of the store and can no longer return it, which are manufactured in……you guessed it…..Japan. It’s all circular. Brilliant. Just Brilliant!! Bravo Japan. Bravo!! You have exacted your revenge. You have gotten even. You have hocked a loogie in the spinach soup of that dude who steals your lunch money and then uses it to buy lunch at the restaurant where you waiter, to make money, to pay the guy who steals your lunch money and then……again, it’s all circular. I give you props. In fact id give you a standing ovation, but that would mean putting down the bag of chips, turning off the TV, and getting up out of this chair, and we all know I’d sooner be Japanese than do that. Wait I am Japanese. So does that mean I just did that? Or that I didn’t and am just Japanese? (Hey I had to say it. My legal counsel advised me to.)

Bart Out!!

Friday, January 22, 2010


There once was a something–to-do-with-telecom-I-think boy who was bored as he sat on the hillside watching the village cars. To amuse himself he took a great breath and sang out, "FNY! FNY! The FNY is towing the cars!"
The villagers came running up the hill to help the boy drive the FNY away. But when they arrived at the top of the hill, they found no FNY. The boy laughed at the sight of their angry faces.
"Don't cry “FNY”, something–to-do-with-telecom-I-think boy," said the villagers, "when there's no FNY!" They went grumbling back down the hill.

Later, the boy sang out again, "FNY! FNY! The FNY is towing the cars!" To his naughty delight, he watched the villagers run up the hill to help him drive the FNY away.
When the villagers saw no FNY they sternly said, "Save your frightened song for when there is really something wrong! Don't cry “FNY” when there is NO FNY!"
But the boy just grinned and watched them go grumbling down the hill once more.

Later, he saw a REAL FNY prowling about his cars. Alarmed, he leaped to his feet and sang out as loudly as he could, "FNY! FNY!"
But the villagers thought he was trying to fool them again, and so they didn't come.
At sunset, everyone wondered why the something–to-do-with-telecom-I-think boy hadn't returned to the village with their cars. They went up the hill to find the boy. They found him weeping.
"There really was a FNY here! The cars have been towed! I cried out, "FNY!" Why didn't you come?"
An old man tried to comfort the boy as they walked back to the village.
"We'll help you look for the towed cars in the morning," he said, putting his arm around the youth, "Nobody believes a liar...even when he is telling the truth!"

Monday, November 9, 2009

Obama to create Health Insurance Gestapo.

In an interesting development yesterday, President Barack Housain has announced that he will be accepting applications for positions in his very own Health Insurance Gestapo LLC. The gestapo will serve as the implementers of Housain's Healthcare bill clause which would require every citizen of the United States to have health insurance, or incur a fine. The bill has been passed by the House of representatives by a very small majority, and it is questionable, perhaps even doubtful, that it will pass the Senate. Obama insists though that he would like to be ready in case he CAN manage to sleep with enough Senators to swing the vote in his favor. Basic training for the Gestapo Cadets will begin in an undisclosed location immediately, though sources close to the Obama administration have let leak information indicating the facility is in the northern region of Santa's Workshop IL.
When asked to elaborate on the clause and the purpose of the Gestapo, Barackusain explained that in order to implement this extremely implementable legislation, the government would have to create an agency to go around in every state in the country, knocking on peoples doors, and demanding to see their Health Insurance titles. If someone doesn't produce a form of insurance then they will be taken out to the back of their allyways and beaten to a pulp. Their children will then be enslaved to work as secretaries for the new public option insurance program as compensation for their blatant lack of proper regard for authority.
Obama is also planning to implement a Car Insurance gestapo as well as a Life Insurance gestapo, to ensure that anyone who doesn't have either of them will be prosecuted to the fullest extent, and will probably be subject to huge fines and punishments such as having to sit through Obama singing “These boots are made for walking.”
Hanz Van frankfurtshvartzigger, one of the top recruiters for the Health insurance gestapo explained to us some of the requirements for the tough recruitment process before someone can enter the H.I. Gestapo. 1-A shlang van shnitzelkugel. 2- Aintz Fear de ganzen velt fizubengloiber. And most immportantly 3-a shiny blue rose pedal saltshaker. What Hanz means is quite ambiguous, but according to our translator, you must be a deadbeat who is too lazy to get a job and afford your own damned health insurance. His words, not mine. (My attorney instructed me to state that to avoid malpractice suits. Apparently under Obama's new plan, anyone can be liable for malpractice. Especially mailmen.)
We contacted Housain for a comment on weather he plans to implement a government public option for other occupations that overcharge clients, such as attorneys and car mechanics, but all I received was a dead signal. Apparently some misunderstanding with Housain and Osama being dead. When I finally got trough to the presidents office, I was informed that the president was unavailable because he was entertaining Senator Lisa Murkowski in the private sector of the oval office.
When Bill Clinton heard this, he jumped up and down and screamed “if he erases my carving under the oval conference table of Bill and Mon were here and there and there” I'll kill the son of a gun. Again his words, not mine. HIS words, NOT mine. How was that Abe Goldmanstienberg?? did I do good?? Yes yes yes, ill deposit your retainer and hourly fee into the cayman islands account later tonight.
Bart out!!!!!

Monday, May 11, 2009

New York Man Confesses To Heinious Crime of Knowing His Nextdoor Neighbor

In a shocking revelation Sunday, Frank Attitudeson, a half Italian, half Rottweiler, UPS truck driver, born and raised in Brooklyn N.Y. has confess to 7 counts of “statutory next door neighbor knowing in the 2nd degree” a representative for the New York Police Department says. Frank, who has been an employee for the United Postal Service, for nearly 23 years, turned himself in at 4 a.m. Saturday night, admitting that when he got home from work, in the dark, secret, sanctuary of the night, he surreptitiously crept to his neighbors door, and knocked, introducing himself with a friendly hello. “At first it was just one neighbor, and it continued to spread, until I knew 7 of my neighbors on the 3rd floor of our apartment building.” Attitudeson said. “It began to tear away at my soul and my wife and kids could tell something was up. It finally became too much, and I had to let it out.” Attitudeson responded with regard to the question of why he willingly turned himself in. When the news first hit the airwaves, it was reported that Attitudesons grandparents actually rolled over in their graves, causing a mass cave-in at the Brooklyn cemetery.
The “Next Door Neighbor Act,” passed in 19432, after a N.Y. woman’s admittance to her son that she did in fact know her neighbors caused a world war in which millions perished, was enacted in an attempt to prevent any catastrophic cases of next door neighbor knowing in the future, by slapping hefty fines, and jail time, or in cases were special circumstances are found, LWOP (Life in prison Without Opportunity for Parole), or the death penalty, on any N.Yer who has the audacity to know their neighbor. The act is a unique piece of legislation in the sense that it only applies to N.Yers, and not to residents of any other states in the country.
Attitudeson’s attorneys refused to comment, though special prosecutor, Alberto Consuelo Delgado Fernandez, expressed his intent to prosecute and convict Attitudeson, rather than take the traditional route in criminal cases of the sort to plea bargain. In Frank’s case, if convicted he can expect a $700,000,000 fine, as well as 37 years in prison, for each of the 7 counts.
Keep a close watch on the law blogs and journals, for real-time follow-ups on this case, and we will try and keep you informed of the important aspects of this case.
Regurio Orlando Martinez Lacucaracha De Latacobell, and Leah White, contributed to this story.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Is It Judgment Day? Or Is The Acid Finally Kicking in?

Thursday May 5, 2009: Breaking news. There have been numerous reports throughout the state of New York, filed in government agencies on all levels including the FBI, CIA, NSA, CTU, and Anti Alien agencies, of UFO sightings in the sky. And I quote, “It was just a huge, round ball of yellow fire, and it gave off searing heat, and bright, almost blinding light; I didn’t know what to do.” said Lenore Manycatsoldlady. Lenore went on to say, “I watched that terminator movie with judgment day, well that’s what it felt like. I was so scared I took Snuggles, and Mr. Furry, and hid in my refrigerator.”
A N.Y. native, Frank Mcattitude said, “eh fagedeboudit, I grew up in Brooklyn were we used to eat rocks and steel fa breakfast, trust me, this was notin!! I mean wereda greatest city in the world, wit da greatest baseball team, and a huge green chick wit spiky hair floating around in our dirty, polluted water. We can take on anyting!!!” Frank was not a very credible witness however, seeing as he said all of this while shaking uncontrollably, teeth chattering, in pants he had recently peed.
Reports of what is now being called “big reed scary ball of fire up in the sky freaking us all out of our pants that we bought at some crappy little mom and pop shop for 5 times the price because N.Y. doesn’t have any normal stores for buying anything” were that the fireball only emerges in the sky in between rain showers and clouds, and is scary enough to frighten even Rosy O’Donnell.
The authorities have instructed that anyone who sees “b,r,s,b,o,f,u,i,t,s,f,u,a,o,o,o,p,t,w,b,a,s,c,l,m,a,p,s,f,f,t,t,p,b,n,d,h,a,n,s,f,b,a” should phone in the sighting immediately, and take shelter in an underground facility. Keep garlic and a kryptonite handy, and no matter what, do not under any circumstances look it directly in the eye.
Special agents Scott Molder and Dana Skully have been called in from retirement/reruns to run the investigation into this ominous threat hanging (literally) over our heads, and we will keep the public informed as the investigation moves forward. If you hear, or see something, just remember. Who you gunna call??; Ghost busters.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Little old lady, impervious to steryotype.

Have you ever seen a young man with a sturdy arm, and a firm, confident step, help a fragile old lady across the street? Or a kind youngster with youthful agility and strength, carry the groceries of a man who can barely carry his drooping shoulders and cane , from his 1964 Oldsmobile to his faded, decaying, kitchen counter? Or perhaps you have even seen Jim Carey say yes to Lil old Tilly and build her shelves for her while she knits peacefully in the corner? Regardless of the scenario, these selfless acts of altruism have been viewed by society as the acts of a sweet, and kind, gentleman, deserving of honor and respect, since time immemorial.
These acts of merit don't go unrewarded, as one may receive gifts of appreciation ranging from a jar full of quarters, to a pet goat, to a beautiful granddaughter for wedlock, or in the case of Jim Carey, a preasant from Tilly that has the same ultimate affect as ipecac or activated charcoal.
These were some of the images that flashed before mt eyes earlier this morning, as i was patrolling the second isle of my local health foods and fruits store in search of southeast-Asian-purple-grape-pears, and chanced upon one such a scene.
There, in between the spinach, parsley, cupcake shelf, and the all natural, germ wheat, organic, spelt cookies, was the oldest, most shriveled up lady i have ever seen in my life. She was struggling to hoist a box of raisin, apple, oatmeal from its shelf, over her shoulder, and to her cart, using her thin bony hands, and sheer willpower, and was losing the battle by a landslide. with the prior images in my mind, i instinctively hurled in the nearest tomato plant, (thank you Lil old Tilly) and rushed over to help. As i ran those 32 steps to where she stood, or rather hunched, in slow motion, all i could think was, "oh dear G-D she is like an ant carrying a potato chip, she will surely be crushed". However, when i arrived to the rescue, I was shocked to see that by some miracle of G-D, she had managed to get the oatmeal into her shopping cart, and proceed foreword to the north beach seafood isle, while humming the song, "hes got the whole world in his hands" all the way there.
Though a little baffled, and perhaps even intrigued, I finished up my shopping, and proceeded to the checkout counter, and sure enough, there in my line, right in front of me, was little ms. someones great great great grandmother, struggling to place a box of tissues onto the conveyor belt, with close to 15 items left in her cart, including a 42 pound watermelon, and an entire apple tree, and to top it off, she was in the express lane.
This time i was ready to act, and so i bent lower, No lower, no even lower, and in the nicest, sweetest, most gentlemanly voice i could muster, i said, "excuse me, but would you like some help with those?"
What she responded, was completely contrary to what I expected, and in total opposition with what i had been taught as a child. She didn't except with a polite and gratuitous "yes" and pull out a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies from her oversizes bag, nor did she move aside to allow me access to help. She stood there, with her arms folded across her chest, and said, "no you may not help me. I am only 87 years old, and perfectly capable of helping myself!!!!!"
Now although granted a bolt of lightning did strike down from the heavens and smite this evil witch, her response was still a huge shock to me. It was like a slap in the face, and it disturbed the complacency of my thoughts, nearly as much as when i turned 24, and my parents told me that Santa wasn't real.(thank G-D at least the tooth fairy is real) I must say, it was definitely one of the most horrifying experiences of my life.
What is the moral of this story you ask?, what can we learn from this experience?. Well my Friends, (and foes, as long as your reading my blog and generating traffic its OK) the lesson we learn is not to eat healthy!! For eating healthy=going to the local health food, and fruits store . And going to the local health food, and fruit store=losing respect for your elders. So eating healthy ultimately=losing respect for your elders. So when our elders ask us why we don't eat healthy, we will just answer them, because Lil old Tilly said I shouldn't!!!! wont we.....
Bartholomew out!

Monday, February 2, 2009

BBC Iran declared illegal

The Iranian government has officially declared the newborn BBC network, which was launched a mere 3 weeks ago, to be illegal, officials say.
The network, based out of a goat farm in Iran, was aimed at broadcasting to, and informing, the general public of Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan, Turbankastan, and suicidebombershavemanywiveskastan, of any immanent dangers, and potential threats, that would face them in the future, and to heed them warning enough to take protective measures over themselves, and their pet goats.
With Iran one of the major contributors to these threats, the network was rapidly declared a violation of the 9Th amendment to the constitution of the united states of Iran, and deemed illegal.
when informed that Iran is an authoritarian, tyrannical, regime, and therefore doesn't have a constitution, Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad was quoted as saying "the tree huggers will hug trees, and the Honey hogers will hog honey, but by g-d the British are coming, the British are coming." President Ahmadinejad then proceeded to break out into cheery song singing "London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London bridge is falling down, my fair boychick." Disturbing?..... yes!... Psychopathic?.....maybe! Frightening?.....I suppose....
Pleas for reconsideration have fallen on deaf ears, and the Iranian government has threatened to slaughter 1 Innocent baby goat, every half hour, until the BBC film crew and reporters are on cable cars out of the country.
007 Mr. Daniel Craig has been deployed on the top secret recovery mission, from within the lions den, in which each member of the BBC team will be rescued, along with an adopted goat, and a complimentary basket of sand.
Though details of the mission are highly classified, i am able to tell you that Mr. Craig plans to take a 9:15 p.m. flight into Iran, from Sisile's Italy, on Friday the 16 of February, under the assumed name of Mr. James Q Bond. He will then be picked up by a yellow limousine with 007 painted on its side in hot pink,. Mr. Craig, or Bond for that matter, will then be escorted to the Hotel De Oily Turban, where he will spend the night in room 213 with only one guard at his door.In the morning, Mr. Craig/Bond will rise along with the sun, the roosters, and the goats, and will proceed to the compound where the hostages are being held via a green Apache helicopter, serial number #146acp4. He will repel into the building via the southeast corner of the roof, and take out the guards with hot tea and biscuits to the chest. After securing the Britain's, Mr. Bond/Craig will then proceed to smuggle them out of the compound under the pretext of (you guessed it) used goat salesman, by taking the northernmost road in a caravan of baby blue mini coopers. At the rendezvous point which will be an empty Field two miles north of the border, everyone will change into cement truck driver uniforms, with the name goats r us embroidered n their hats and shirts, and proceed to drive cement trucks over the border. The exact number of wheels on the cement trucks however, i cannot divulge, for knowledge of this information can potentially compromise the operation, and jeopardise that safety of the BBC team. I'm sure you understand what i mean.
Further details are still beginning to emerge, and as allways, we will fulfil our civil duty to keep you the public informed about information that is completely irrelevant to you.
Until then, don't panic, stay cautious, and make sure to feed your goats!!!!
Bartholomew (goat) Out.