Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Tea time with Barrack and John.

“You’re a liar” “You’re a meany head” “Four eyes” “Monkey face” “Train tracks.”
These are just a few of the verbal attacks launched by the O’bama campaign Against the McCain’s, and visa versa during the 2008 presidential elections, in a very mature Attempt to win over the popular as well as electoral vote.
The last time I heard comments of such vulgarity and scathing ferocity was in the second grade, when Mortin klutznick and Aaron Nuconbeil were fighting over who got to water the plants in the back of the classroom while Mr. Howardson was at a teachers Conference in Las Vegas. At least that’s what he told us he was there for at the time. It Wasn’t until five and a half months later when his new wife Candy gave birth to a little boy-girl Thingy, that we figured it out. He had gone to Vegas to learn the art of pole dancing so that he Would have a trade to teach little Sam-Mel when he-she grew up.
Well needless to say, Mortin won the feud, only to be murdered during nap time by Aaron with a pair of scissors and the glue gun we used during arts and crafts. Which brings me to my next topic of discussion, and title of today’s Blog posting, “Tea time with Barrack and John on cable television”.
Seriously. CNN reported yesterday that President elect Barrack. Hussein. O’bama, And former Republican candidate John-2nd place-Silver medal-McCain, met up for tea and Biscuits in a red English style telephone booth, where they discussed football, or soccer, or whatever It’s called in America (we called it soccer in Kenya) as well as how the Democratic and Republican parties can work together in a conglomerate effort to: eradicate poverty, strengthen the economy, stop Americas dependence on oil, and prevent tiger woods from winning yet another PGA tour title. And of course the most important item on the agenda, who they would rather do, Jessica Alba with no legs,or Julia Roberts in her third trimester.
That’s correct, the age old adage of “keep your friends close, and your enemies closer” Has Given way to a new axiom, “keep your friends close, and keep “that-guy-who-publicly-defamed-and-Falsely-slandered-you,-costing-you-billions-of pesos-(they’re worth more in our country than the dollar is)In-counter-ads-and management-campaigning”, closer.
In fact an insider source for “dig up dirt on famous people and then blackmail them” newspaper has Confirmed that the history making, president elect, Barrack, and John-close but no cigar-better luck next time,-McCain, will be spending a weekend “pasty white fat guy hunting” along with former vise president to George. W. Bush-brains, Dick Cheney, in havenomorals Alabama.
Nothing further has been reported, but we will fulfill our civil duty and keep the public informed as the story develops.
In a completely unrelated story, Jessica Alba reportedly had both of her legs bitten off in an unfortunate
Crocodile accident, on the set to her new documentary, “what really happened to Steve Erwin” the conspiracy Theory behind the scenes, as Tom cruise sees it.
In other Celebrity gossip news, Julia Roberts is apparently pregnant again, and has managed amazingly to hide it from the paparazzi for the past Eight months.
Bartholomue out.

Disneyland to cut workers amidst economic decline.

Grocery store pumpkin pie, and tofu turkey was the unfortunate scene at the tables of hundreds of billions of middle class families across America this past thanksgiving (note the overdramatisized number for point making) as the economy has taken such a hard beating that it can no longer cover up the black and blue marks with "i bumped into a door" excuses.
In fact the AAFTPTDHSFCAA or the American Association For Tracking Peoples Travel During Holiday Season For Comic Affect Associated (note the redundancy for point makingness) has reported that the number of people who traveled more than the distance from their living room to their room filled with junk and other crap this holiday weekend has dropped a whopping 72.4 % as more and more families are learning the cold hard truth of budgeting and rationing, as well as what vegetarians must go through on a daily basis.
One middle class American who has taken a hard beating in the economic decline is the recently famed Joe "the Shmo" plumber (note all names have been changed so as to not publicly defame the subjects of our public defamation for point makingnessitude) who said that even during the usually busy holiday season of plumbering, many people have resorted to using empty beer bottles and buckets to take care of their business, and that is taking a toll on his plumber purse (wallet where plumbers keep their money). what he means by this I'm not quite sure although some annalists believe he means that people are simply learning to do their own plumbing on the Internet using empty bear bottles and buckets as tools, and buying plumber purses made in china on Chinese Friday to keep the money they saved in.
One major business that has suffered dramatically this holiday season is the famed Disneyland, where dreams can happen or something like that as many people who usually made a yearly pilgrimage to see such characters as batman, robin, Santa, and Mickey mouse whom are known for their warm hospitality during the thanksgiving time. perhaps to hospitable as there are currently 47 law suits being brought against a certain character who lives there though we will leave it up to your imagination to figure out for what.(that is what with the w pronounced before the h for point makingnessitudeability) after all it is the land of fantasy are staying close to home in an attempt to save money for their children's crack funds.(takes deep breath as that was a very long sentence)
Unfortunately the Disneyland board has announced that due to the loss in annual income, they will be laying off characters left and right. left to live and right to go. Mickey mouse was quoted as saying the following. "i just turned 80 so my pension kicks in. suck it bitches". when told that was inappropriate to say in front of children Mickey was quoted as saying "@!%$@^$^ the kids I'm retiring".
Anywhoooooo, that is the level of lunacy's we have seen as the economy has melted to nothing but ashes. ashes. we all fall down.
For "dig up dirt on celebrities and then blackmail them" news, I am Bartholomew Higgins.
Bartholomew out.

The extinction of the bipoler bear.

In its natural habitat the bipolar bear seems fierce, yet tame. angry, yet calm. happy, yet sad. And everything in between. One moment he is violently ripping deer to shreds along with the lions, and the next he is braiding the cougar's hair, and knitting quilts with Steven the peacock. So lives the bipolar bear, on the edge of danger, yet at a safe enough distance that nothing can go wrong.
With a strict daily diet of vegetables and fruit, nothing more nothing less, and meats and cheeses, nothing less nothing more, the bipolar bear gains the strength necessary to uphold his status as the prince of the jungle, and yet the pauper of his natural habitat.
As a monogamous animal, the bipolar bear seeks out and mates with hundreds of female bears at any given time, and then proceeds to hunt and kill baby sheep to use as parchment to construct pro PETA signs out of.
Such is the life of the bipolar bear as it lives life to the fullest, yet dies young and unfulfilled.
Sadly however, the bipolar bear is becoming ever extinct, as the career of psychology is becoming a more and more popular choise amongst the dolphins, and prozac has been approved as an over the counter drug.
But you, yes you, the ice cold guy over there with four legs and a sleek new cell phone, you have the power to help stop these shocking things from happening. All it takes is a compassionate heart, a will to help, courage, and a set of 1842 silver dollars valued today at $45.6 million, and you can become the proud owner of your very own bipolar bear, Ripped from its natural habitat special for you. And Ice Creem truck or not, we do grantee the chick magnet to be included. (three AAA batteries not included)
Bartholomew out.

Obama is a gutter ball!!

"Obama is a gutter ball!! Obama is a gutter ball!! Everyone together now!Obama is a gutter ball!! Obama is a gutter ball!! Obama is a gutter ball!!" Such were just a few of the scathing chants, and angry picket signs yelled out and held up at the National Association for Bowlers Constitutional Rights protest rally against insulting reports that the white house and its new not so white, not so house, president elect, Barrack Obama, plans to transform the white house presidential bowling alley, installed by president Who Cares the third in the year 194no1givesaratsass, into a full sized, fully loaded, NBA grade basketball court.
A spokesperson for the lobbyist group Bowling Associated League Of Sports Environmental Reliability, or B A LOSER Albert Virginson, was quoted as saying Wednesday, " it is an outragiously outrageous outrage, and we the bowling community are outraged to the extent of outrageously repeating outrageous words such as outrage. I mean whats next? is the president going to turn the presidential cafiteria into a drug kitchen? is he planning to turn the oval office into the square office of gay black rights? Will the white house lawn become an amnesty zone for stolen bikes and stereo systems? Will the Washington monument be replaced by the Toupak Shakur monument? Will the white house Physician be swapped for Dr. Dre? Where does this stop? Where does the line get drawn? I say we draw it at the 10/10 split. I say we set the cutoff at perfect 300 game of all strikes. I say we stand up for our turkeys and our spares. Our fourbaggers and our cycling pin stops. I say we don't allow our president the opportunity to be a gutter ball. Then and only then can we go back to our cheep bear and hot wing contests in peace. Barrack, leave our bowling alley alone!!!!!
Upon inquiry, Mr. Obama proceeded to turn his over sized baseball cap to the side, pull up his sagging pants, hoist a large stereo system blaring "50, in the club" over his shoulder, and twirl a basketball on his other index finger, demonstrating his unquestionable ability to run a country with both of his hands tied up and responded, " It has been a long time coming, overdue, trend in this country, but change has finally come to Amerifrica. Read books and get smart? No. Just play basketball. Trade stocks and get rich? No. You still haven't mastered that perimeter shot. Cure illness and help the poor? Can you dunk like Jordan yet? I didn't think so. You ask me how to fight terrorism, the answer is a game of three on three hoops. You ask me how to fix the economy? the answer is no doubt as Coby says best, " get the ball into the hoop, no matter what it takes". This is why you, the popular sovereignty of the united States of America elected me president. This is what you saw in me, and not in my contender, a 76 year old white boy from Arizona , who thinks basketball is a golf green in CConnecticut. You saw that i could lead this country into victory against any other governmental team in the world. Change has come to Amerifrica, and its called presidential slam dunk 2009!!!!
Mariska Hargatay.
Bartholomew out.

Gravest danger since ManBearPig!!!

Al Gore and global warming are far evanescent, as Bigfoot and our social security funds have been for years. Judgment day and cold wars had us petrified as Y2k bugs, yet a far more threatening danger arose uncontested. a force of uncontainable power with no limits or restrictions, arose, and has come to dominate the streets of South America, as it spreads its venomous web as far as Mexico City, with the United States of America in its sights.
I am speaking of course of the horrific "revenge of the gum wads". No that is not the duplicitous face of some fierce drug lord who's name is derived from the fruity juice flavor of gum that he chews, nor is it the name of a Terminal illness which strikes during gum chewing, in the face of death. We are dealing with something far more grave, which is noow categorized as the biggest danger and threat unaware to the innocent(of any ethics or morals) people of south eastern northerly western Mexico. Or as they say in Spanish, its-all-the-same-crappy-wasteland-full-of-worthless-degenerates-almost-as-bad-as-Canada-so-who-gives-a-rats-behind Mexico.
CNN reporter Chewbaka Sparementson reported Thursday from the scene of a 419 automobile pileup accident which included 14 cement trucks on mob missions, 6 corn Field tractors, an 18 wheeler carrying CPR dummies, a ketchup truck,(which incidentally is the reason that rescue officials had such a hard time identifying victims to administer treatment to) and a school bus to name just a few. Preliminary reports indicate that the accident occured when a school bus got stuck in a huge wad of gum lying in the middle of the street, and came to a sudden halt. All vehicles behind had no choice but to plow head on into the vehicle in front of it, resulting in, well a 419 automobile pileup.(419 auto pileup #2 comes out in stores in early November of 2012). " It was a scene of complete chaos and destruction. Everywhere you looked all you could see was gum. On the ground, in the sky. Gum on the walls, and on the storefronts. Everywhere." reported Chewbaka then broke out into singsong singing "gum is here, gum is there, gum is truly everywhere. up up, down down, right left, and all around. here there and everywhere. that's where the gum can be found."
Shortly after the scene had been cleared, Mexican president Taco De lacukaratch held a press conference in which he vowed to stand up against, and eradicate, this force of evil if its the last thing that he does in his lifetime. Ironically, on his way down from the podium Mr. De lacukaratcha slipped on a piece of gum and plunged to his death. May he piece in rest. Let us share a moment of silent gum chewing in his memory.
Soon after, Mexican litigators introduced a bill which if approved will call for an end to gum chewing altogether, and will give police the authority to shoot on sight to kill anyone who dares to commit such a heinous crime.
A spokesperson for the gum lobbyist group " we are corrupt and proud of it" was quoted as saying, " such a law would be a direct denial of our basic first amendment rights and freedoms to make burritos out of whatever we choose, including gum, and we will wine, dine, bribe, and blackmail whomever and whatever(huh?) we must in order to ensure that this bill is quashed once and for all.
All in all, the most dangerous threat out there today isn't global warming, it isn't Osama Bin Laden, it isn'tMarlin Brando, nor is it the angry man with the beard and four fingers. It's wirgley's, Must, and (in a whisper) the Mets.
Bartholomew out!