Monday, May 11, 2009

New York Man Confesses To Heinious Crime of Knowing His Nextdoor Neighbor

In a shocking revelation Sunday, Frank Attitudeson, a half Italian, half Rottweiler, UPS truck driver, born and raised in Brooklyn N.Y. has confess to 7 counts of “statutory next door neighbor knowing in the 2nd degree” a representative for the New York Police Department says. Frank, who has been an employee for the United Postal Service, for nearly 23 years, turned himself in at 4 a.m. Saturday night, admitting that when he got home from work, in the dark, secret, sanctuary of the night, he surreptitiously crept to his neighbors door, and knocked, introducing himself with a friendly hello. “At first it was just one neighbor, and it continued to spread, until I knew 7 of my neighbors on the 3rd floor of our apartment building.” Attitudeson said. “It began to tear away at my soul and my wife and kids could tell something was up. It finally became too much, and I had to let it out.” Attitudeson responded with regard to the question of why he willingly turned himself in. When the news first hit the airwaves, it was reported that Attitudesons grandparents actually rolled over in their graves, causing a mass cave-in at the Brooklyn cemetery.
The “Next Door Neighbor Act,” passed in 19432, after a N.Y. woman’s admittance to her son that she did in fact know her neighbors caused a world war in which millions perished, was enacted in an attempt to prevent any catastrophic cases of next door neighbor knowing in the future, by slapping hefty fines, and jail time, or in cases were special circumstances are found, LWOP (Life in prison Without Opportunity for Parole), or the death penalty, on any N.Yer who has the audacity to know their neighbor. The act is a unique piece of legislation in the sense that it only applies to N.Yers, and not to residents of any other states in the country.
Attitudeson’s attorneys refused to comment, though special prosecutor, Alberto Consuelo Delgado Fernandez, expressed his intent to prosecute and convict Attitudeson, rather than take the traditional route in criminal cases of the sort to plea bargain. In Frank’s case, if convicted he can expect a $700,000,000 fine, as well as 37 years in prison, for each of the 7 counts.
Keep a close watch on the law blogs and journals, for real-time follow-ups on this case, and we will try and keep you informed of the important aspects of this case.
Regurio Orlando Martinez Lacucaracha De Latacobell, and Leah White, contributed to this story.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Is It Judgment Day? Or Is The Acid Finally Kicking in?

Thursday May 5, 2009: Breaking news. There have been numerous reports throughout the state of New York, filed in government agencies on all levels including the FBI, CIA, NSA, CTU, and Anti Alien agencies, of UFO sightings in the sky. And I quote, “It was just a huge, round ball of yellow fire, and it gave off searing heat, and bright, almost blinding light; I didn’t know what to do.” said Lenore Manycatsoldlady. Lenore went on to say, “I watched that terminator movie with judgment day, well that’s what it felt like. I was so scared I took Snuggles, and Mr. Furry, and hid in my refrigerator.”
A N.Y. native, Frank Mcattitude said, “eh fagedeboudit, I grew up in Brooklyn were we used to eat rocks and steel fa breakfast, trust me, this was notin!! I mean wereda greatest city in the world, wit da greatest baseball team, and a huge green chick wit spiky hair floating around in our dirty, polluted water. We can take on anyting!!!” Frank was not a very credible witness however, seeing as he said all of this while shaking uncontrollably, teeth chattering, in pants he had recently peed.
Reports of what is now being called “big reed scary ball of fire up in the sky freaking us all out of our pants that we bought at some crappy little mom and pop shop for 5 times the price because N.Y. doesn’t have any normal stores for buying anything” were that the fireball only emerges in the sky in between rain showers and clouds, and is scary enough to frighten even Rosy O’Donnell.
The authorities have instructed that anyone who sees “b,r,s,b,o,f,u,i,t,s,f,u,a,o,o,o,p,t,w,b,a,s,c,l,m,a,p,s,f,f,t,t,p,b,n,d,h,a,n,s,f,b,a” should phone in the sighting immediately, and take shelter in an underground facility. Keep garlic and a kryptonite handy, and no matter what, do not under any circumstances look it directly in the eye.
Special agents Scott Molder and Dana Skully have been called in from retirement/reruns to run the investigation into this ominous threat hanging (literally) over our heads, and we will keep the public informed as the investigation moves forward. If you hear, or see something, just remember. Who you gunna call??; Ghost busters.