Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Little old lady, impervious to steryotype.

Have you ever seen a young man with a sturdy arm, and a firm, confident step, help a fragile old lady across the street? Or a kind youngster with youthful agility and strength, carry the groceries of a man who can barely carry his drooping shoulders and cane , from his 1964 Oldsmobile to his faded, decaying, kitchen counter? Or perhaps you have even seen Jim Carey say yes to Lil old Tilly and build her shelves for her while she knits peacefully in the corner? Regardless of the scenario, these selfless acts of altruism have been viewed by society as the acts of a sweet, and kind, gentleman, deserving of honor and respect, since time immemorial.
These acts of merit don't go unrewarded, as one may receive gifts of appreciation ranging from a jar full of quarters, to a pet goat, to a beautiful granddaughter for wedlock, or in the case of Jim Carey, a preasant from Tilly that has the same ultimate affect as ipecac or activated charcoal.
These were some of the images that flashed before mt eyes earlier this morning, as i was patrolling the second isle of my local health foods and fruits store in search of southeast-Asian-purple-grape-pears, and chanced upon one such a scene.
There, in between the spinach, parsley, cupcake shelf, and the all natural, germ wheat, organic, spelt cookies, was the oldest, most shriveled up lady i have ever seen in my life. She was struggling to hoist a box of raisin, apple, oatmeal from its shelf, over her shoulder, and to her cart, using her thin bony hands, and sheer willpower, and was losing the battle by a landslide. with the prior images in my mind, i instinctively hurled in the nearest tomato plant, (thank you Lil old Tilly) and rushed over to help. As i ran those 32 steps to where she stood, or rather hunched, in slow motion, all i could think was, "oh dear G-D she is like an ant carrying a potato chip, she will surely be crushed". However, when i arrived to the rescue, I was shocked to see that by some miracle of G-D, she had managed to get the oatmeal into her shopping cart, and proceed foreword to the north beach seafood isle, while humming the song, "hes got the whole world in his hands" all the way there.
Though a little baffled, and perhaps even intrigued, I finished up my shopping, and proceeded to the checkout counter, and sure enough, there in my line, right in front of me, was little ms. someones great great great grandmother, struggling to place a box of tissues onto the conveyor belt, with close to 15 items left in her cart, including a 42 pound watermelon, and an entire apple tree, and to top it off, she was in the express lane.
This time i was ready to act, and so i bent lower, No lower, no even lower, and in the nicest, sweetest, most gentlemanly voice i could muster, i said, "excuse me, but would you like some help with those?"
What she responded, was completely contrary to what I expected, and in total opposition with what i had been taught as a child. She didn't except with a polite and gratuitous "yes" and pull out a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies from her oversizes bag, nor did she move aside to allow me access to help. She stood there, with her arms folded across her chest, and said, "no you may not help me. I am only 87 years old, and perfectly capable of helping myself!!!!!"
Now although granted a bolt of lightning did strike down from the heavens and smite this evil witch, her response was still a huge shock to me. It was like a slap in the face, and it disturbed the complacency of my thoughts, nearly as much as when i turned 24, and my parents told me that Santa wasn't real.(thank G-D at least the tooth fairy is real) I must say, it was definitely one of the most horrifying experiences of my life.
What is the moral of this story you ask?, what can we learn from this experience?. Well my Friends, (and foes, as long as your reading my blog and generating traffic its OK) the lesson we learn is not to eat healthy!! For eating healthy=going to the local health food, and fruits store . And going to the local health food, and fruit store=losing respect for your elders. So eating healthy ultimately=losing respect for your elders. So when our elders ask us why we don't eat healthy, we will just answer them, because Lil old Tilly said I shouldn't!!!! wont we.....
Bartholomew out!

Monday, February 2, 2009

BBC Iran declared illegal

The Iranian government has officially declared the newborn BBC network, which was launched a mere 3 weeks ago, to be illegal, officials say.
The network, based out of a goat farm in Iran, was aimed at broadcasting to, and informing, the general public of Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan, Turbankastan, and suicidebombershavemanywiveskastan, of any immanent dangers, and potential threats, that would face them in the future, and to heed them warning enough to take protective measures over themselves, and their pet goats.
With Iran one of the major contributors to these threats, the network was rapidly declared a violation of the 9Th amendment to the constitution of the united states of Iran, and deemed illegal.
when informed that Iran is an authoritarian, tyrannical, regime, and therefore doesn't have a constitution, Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad was quoted as saying "the tree huggers will hug trees, and the Honey hogers will hog honey, but by g-d the British are coming, the British are coming." President Ahmadinejad then proceeded to break out into cheery song singing "London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London bridge is falling down, my fair boychick." Disturbing?..... yes!... Psychopathic?.....maybe! Frightening?.....I suppose....
Pleas for reconsideration have fallen on deaf ears, and the Iranian government has threatened to slaughter 1 Innocent baby goat, every half hour, until the BBC film crew and reporters are on cable cars out of the country.
007 Mr. Daniel Craig has been deployed on the top secret recovery mission, from within the lions den, in which each member of the BBC team will be rescued, along with an adopted goat, and a complimentary basket of sand.
Though details of the mission are highly classified, i am able to tell you that Mr. Craig plans to take a 9:15 p.m. flight into Iran, from Sisile's Italy, on Friday the 16 of February, under the assumed name of Mr. James Q Bond. He will then be picked up by a yellow limousine with 007 painted on its side in hot pink,. Mr. Craig, or Bond for that matter, will then be escorted to the Hotel De Oily Turban, where he will spend the night in room 213 with only one guard at his door.In the morning, Mr. Craig/Bond will rise along with the sun, the roosters, and the goats, and will proceed to the compound where the hostages are being held via a green Apache helicopter, serial number #146acp4. He will repel into the building via the southeast corner of the roof, and take out the guards with hot tea and biscuits to the chest. After securing the Britain's, Mr. Bond/Craig will then proceed to smuggle them out of the compound under the pretext of (you guessed it) used goat salesman, by taking the northernmost road in a caravan of baby blue mini coopers. At the rendezvous point which will be an empty Field two miles north of the border, everyone will change into cement truck driver uniforms, with the name goats r us embroidered n their hats and shirts, and proceed to drive cement trucks over the border. The exact number of wheels on the cement trucks however, i cannot divulge, for knowledge of this information can potentially compromise the operation, and jeopardise that safety of the BBC team. I'm sure you understand what i mean.
Further details are still beginning to emerge, and as allways, we will fulfil our civil duty to keep you the public informed about information that is completely irrelevant to you.
Until then, don't panic, stay cautious, and make sure to feed your goats!!!!
Bartholomew (goat) Out.