The revenge of Japan…..Toyota

Ever since the united States dropped two nuclear bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945 to end the second world war, Japan has been plotting and planning (insert maniacal laugh) their revenge on the U.S. Japanese Scholars have studied the best methods to inflict optimum damage on the U.S. in schools such as the optimum damage to the American people institute of Japan; and politicians have ran campaigns on the premise that they will be the ones to figure out how to get back at “those damn McDonalds eating, TV watching, pig slaughtering, rosy O’Donnell hating, Paris Hilton loving, women rights giving, not cutting off peoples heading, rollercoaster riding, hospital and basic human rights having, American swine; or chi hi wanga sho han cho as the Japanese say.” (Granted politicians have also run campaigns on the premise that they look like Tom Cruise and thus are Japan’s savior, but that doesn’t detract from the fact that the price of tea in china is 60 cents to the yen)

Well I have the insider story. That’s not the story where we talk about how thin celebrities in Hollywood are, which extremely white actress recently adopted an African American baby, or how Opera Winfry has healing powers that Jesus would be jealous of, but rather this is a serious report on extremely serious topics, for an extremely serious station. Hey why is my microphone a beer bottle and the camera a bottle of scotch? That is so weird. Well if the network dictates, I must obey. Glug glug.

A lot of people believe that Chinese food was Japans retort, but that is in fact not so. We all know that Japan and China are not the same. That’s like saying Montréal and Toronto are the same. And as I learned the hard way, it’s never smart to say that they are the same to a Canadian with a hockey stick. It will end up impaled in your chest ayyy; to a Canadian it simply not the same.

So what is the brilliant light bulb breakthrough? What have the devious Japanese people devised in a pure act of deviously devious deviety?......The answer is the car manufacturing company of Toyota. Yes that is right. Amidst the investigation over the recent recalls by the Japanese based company, evidence has surfaced that indicates Toyota cars are in fact the Wooden Troy Trojan Horse of Japan. How so? Glad you asked. Oh you didn’t. And now you’re walking away. Well I’ll tell you anyway. They offer us cheaper cars that “perform better” so that the every American driveway is populated by a Toyota car, and then no, they do not hide little tiny Japanese dudes in the trunks who pop out at night and open the gates of hell on all the soccer moms of America; but rather, they snip the gas lines, and tamper with the breaks, and force Americans everywhere to walk to work for a change while their cars are in the shops.

This is a great travesty, because if there is anything that Americans hate more than losing their blackberries, its having to walk from place to place instead of driving the two blocks to the dollar store to buy little toys that break the second you take it out of the store and can no longer return it, which are manufactured in……you guessed it…..Japan. It’s all circular. Brilliant. Just Brilliant!! Bravo Japan. Bravo!! You have exacted your revenge. You have gotten even. You have hocked a loogie in the spinach soup of that dude who steals your lunch money and then uses it to buy lunch at the restaurant where you waiter, to make money, to pay the guy who steals your lunch money and then……again, it’s all circular. I give you props. In fact id give you a standing ovation, but that would mean putting down the bag of chips, turning off the TV, and getting up out of this chair, and we all know I’d sooner be Japanese than do that. Wait I am Japanese. So does that mean I just did that? Or that I didn’t and am just Japanese? (Hey I had to say it. My legal counsel advised me to.)

Bart Out!!