In an interesting development yesterday, President Barack Housain has announced that he will be accepting applications for positions in his very own Health Insurance Gestapo LLC. The gestapo will serve as the implementers of Housain's Healthcare bill clause which would require every citizen of the United States to have health insurance, or incur a fine. The bill has been passed by the House of representatives by a very small majority, and it is questionable, perhaps even doubtful, that it will pass the Senate. Obama insists though that he would like to be ready in case he CAN manage to sleep with enough Senators to swing the vote in his favor. Basic training for the Gestapo Cadets will begin in an undisclosed location immediately, though sources close to the Obama administration have let leak information indicating the facility is in the northern region of Santa's Workshop IL.
When asked to elaborate on the clause and the purpose of the Gestapo, Barackusain explained that in order to implement this extremely implementable legislation, the government would have to create an agency to go around in every state in the country, knocking on peoples doors, and demanding to see their Health Insurance titles. If someone doesn't produce a form of insurance then they will be taken out to the back of their allyways and beaten to a pulp. Their children will then be enslaved to work as secretaries for the new public option insurance program as compensation for their blatant lack of proper regard for authority.
Obama is also planning to implement a Car Insurance gestapo as well as a Life Insurance gestapo, to ensure that anyone who doesn't have either of them will be prosecuted to the fullest extent, and will probably be subject to huge fines and punishments such as having to sit through Obama singing “These boots are made for walking.”
Hanz Van frankfurtshvartzigger, one of the top recruiters for the Health insurance gestapo explained to us some of the requirements for the tough recruitment process before someone can enter the H.I. Gestapo. 1-A shlang van shnitzelkugel. 2- Aintz Fear de ganzen velt fizubengloiber. And most immportantly 3-a shiny blue rose pedal saltshaker. What Hanz means is quite ambiguous, but according to our translator, you must be a deadbeat who is too lazy to get a job and afford your own damned health insurance. His words, not mine. (My attorney instructed me to state that to avoid malpractice suits. Apparently under Obama's new plan, anyone can be liable for malpractice. Especially mailmen.)
We contacted Housain for a comment on weather he plans to implement a government public option for other occupations that overcharge clients, such as attorneys and car mechanics, but all I received was a dead signal. Apparently some misunderstanding with Housain and Osama being dead. When I finally got trough to the presidents office, I was informed that the president was unavailable because he was entertaining Senator Lisa Murkowski in the private sector of the oval office.
When Bill Clinton heard this, he jumped up and down and screamed “if he erases my carving under the oval conference table of Bill and Mon were here and there and there” I'll kill the son of a gun. Again his words, not mine. HIS words, NOT mine. How was that Abe Goldmanstienberg?? did I do good?? Yes yes yes, ill deposit your retainer and hourly fee into the cayman islands account later tonight.
Bart out!!!!!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
New York Man Confesses To Heinious Crime of Knowing His Nextdoor Neighbor
In a shocking revelation Sunday, Frank Attitudeson, a half Italian, half Rottweiler, UPS truck driver, born and raised in Brooklyn N.Y. has confess to 7 counts of “statutory next door neighbor knowing in the 2nd degree” a representative for the New York Police Department says. Frank, who has been an employee for the United Postal Service, for nearly 23 years, turned himself in at 4 a.m. Saturday night, admitting that when he got home from work, in the dark, secret, sanctuary of the night, he surreptitiously crept to his neighbors door, and knocked, introducing himself with a friendly hello. “At first it was just one neighbor, and it continued to spread, until I knew 7 of my neighbors on the 3rd floor of our apartment building.” Attitudeson said. “It began to tear away at my soul and my wife and kids could tell something was up. It finally became too much, and I had to let it out.” Attitudeson responded with regard to the question of why he willingly turned himself in. When the news first hit the airwaves, it was reported that Attitudesons grandparents actually rolled over in their graves, causing a mass cave-in at the Brooklyn cemetery.
The “Next Door Neighbor Act,” passed in 19432, after a N.Y. woman’s admittance to her son that she did in fact know her neighbors caused a world war in which millions perished, was enacted in an attempt to prevent any catastrophic cases of next door neighbor knowing in the future, by slapping hefty fines, and jail time, or in cases were special circumstances are found, LWOP (Life in prison Without Opportunity for Parole), or the death penalty, on any N.Yer who has the audacity to know their neighbor. The act is a unique piece of legislation in the sense that it only applies to N.Yers, and not to residents of any other states in the country.
Attitudeson’s attorneys refused to comment, though special prosecutor, Alberto Consuelo Delgado Fernandez, expressed his intent to prosecute and convict Attitudeson, rather than take the traditional route in criminal cases of the sort to plea bargain. In Frank’s case, if convicted he can expect a $700,000,000 fine, as well as 37 years in prison, for each of the 7 counts.
Keep a close watch on the law blogs and journals, for real-time follow-ups on this case, and we will try and keep you informed of the important aspects of this case.
Regurio Orlando Martinez Lacucaracha De Latacobell, and Leah White, contributed to this story.
The “Next Door Neighbor Act,” passed in 19432, after a N.Y. woman’s admittance to her son that she did in fact know her neighbors caused a world war in which millions perished, was enacted in an attempt to prevent any catastrophic cases of next door neighbor knowing in the future, by slapping hefty fines, and jail time, or in cases were special circumstances are found, LWOP (Life in prison Without Opportunity for Parole), or the death penalty, on any N.Yer who has the audacity to know their neighbor. The act is a unique piece of legislation in the sense that it only applies to N.Yers, and not to residents of any other states in the country.
Attitudeson’s attorneys refused to comment, though special prosecutor, Alberto Consuelo Delgado Fernandez, expressed his intent to prosecute and convict Attitudeson, rather than take the traditional route in criminal cases of the sort to plea bargain. In Frank’s case, if convicted he can expect a $700,000,000 fine, as well as 37 years in prison, for each of the 7 counts.
Keep a close watch on the law blogs and journals, for real-time follow-ups on this case, and we will try and keep you informed of the important aspects of this case.
Regurio Orlando Martinez Lacucaracha De Latacobell, and Leah White, contributed to this story.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Is It Judgment Day? Or Is The Acid Finally Kicking in?
Thursday May 5, 2009: Breaking news. There have been numerous reports throughout the state of New York, filed in government agencies on all levels including the FBI, CIA, NSA, CTU, and Anti Alien agencies, of UFO sightings in the sky. And I quote, “It was just a huge, round ball of yellow fire, and it gave off searing heat, and bright, almost blinding light; I didn’t know what to do.” said Lenore Manycatsoldlady. Lenore went on to say, “I watched that terminator movie with judgment day, well that’s what it felt like. I was so scared I took Snuggles, and Mr. Furry, and hid in my refrigerator.”
A N.Y. native, Frank Mcattitude said, “eh fagedeboudit, I grew up in Brooklyn were we used to eat rocks and steel fa breakfast, trust me, this was notin!! I mean wereda greatest city in the world, wit da greatest baseball team, and a huge green chick wit spiky hair floating around in our dirty, polluted water. We can take on anyting!!!” Frank was not a very credible witness however, seeing as he said all of this while shaking uncontrollably, teeth chattering, in pants he had recently peed.
Reports of what is now being called “big reed scary ball of fire up in the sky freaking us all out of our pants that we bought at some crappy little mom and pop shop for 5 times the price because N.Y. doesn’t have any normal stores for buying anything” were that the fireball only emerges in the sky in between rain showers and clouds, and is scary enough to frighten even Rosy O’Donnell.
The authorities have instructed that anyone who sees “b,r,s,b,o,f,u,i,t,s,f,u,a,o,o,o,p,t,w,b,a,s,c,l,m,a,p,s,f,f,t,t,p,b,n,d,h,a,n,s,f,b,a” should phone in the sighting immediately, and take shelter in an underground facility. Keep garlic and a kryptonite handy, and no matter what, do not under any circumstances look it directly in the eye.
Special agents Scott Molder and Dana Skully have been called in from retirement/reruns to run the investigation into this ominous threat hanging (literally) over our heads, and we will keep the public informed as the investigation moves forward. If you hear, or see something, just remember. Who you gunna call??; Ghost busters.
A N.Y. native, Frank Mcattitude said, “eh fagedeboudit, I grew up in Brooklyn were we used to eat rocks and steel fa breakfast, trust me, this was notin!! I mean wereda greatest city in the world, wit da greatest baseball team, and a huge green chick wit spiky hair floating around in our dirty, polluted water. We can take on anyting!!!” Frank was not a very credible witness however, seeing as he said all of this while shaking uncontrollably, teeth chattering, in pants he had recently peed.
Reports of what is now being called “big reed scary ball of fire up in the sky freaking us all out of our pants that we bought at some crappy little mom and pop shop for 5 times the price because N.Y. doesn’t have any normal stores for buying anything” were that the fireball only emerges in the sky in between rain showers and clouds, and is scary enough to frighten even Rosy O’Donnell.
The authorities have instructed that anyone who sees “b,r,s,b,o,f,u,i,t,s,f,u,a,o,o,o,p,t,w,b,a,s,c,l,m,a,p,s,f,f,t,t,p,b,n,d,h,a,n,s,f,b,a” should phone in the sighting immediately, and take shelter in an underground facility. Keep garlic and a kryptonite handy, and no matter what, do not under any circumstances look it directly in the eye.
Special agents Scott Molder and Dana Skully have been called in from retirement/reruns to run the investigation into this ominous threat hanging (literally) over our heads, and we will keep the public informed as the investigation moves forward. If you hear, or see something, just remember. Who you gunna call??; Ghost busters.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Little old lady, impervious to steryotype.
Have you ever seen a young man with a sturdy arm, and a firm, confident step, help a fragile old lady across the street? Or a kind youngster with youthful agility and strength, carry the groceries of a man who can barely carry his drooping shoulders and cane , from his 1964 Oldsmobile to his faded, decaying, kitchen counter? Or perhaps you have even seen Jim Carey say yes to Lil old Tilly and build her shelves for her while she knits peacefully in the corner? Regardless of the scenario, these selfless acts of altruism have been viewed by society as the acts of a sweet, and kind, gentleman, deserving of honor and respect, since time immemorial.
These acts of merit don't go unrewarded, as one may receive gifts of appreciation ranging from a jar full of quarters, to a pet goat, to a beautiful granddaughter for wedlock, or in the case of Jim Carey, a preasant from Tilly that has the same ultimate affect as ipecac or activated charcoal.
These were some of the images that flashed before mt eyes earlier this morning, as i was patrolling the second isle of my local health foods and fruits store in search of southeast-Asian-purple-grape-pears, and chanced upon one such a scene.
There, in between the spinach, parsley, cupcake shelf, and the all natural, germ wheat, organic, spelt cookies, was the oldest, most shriveled up lady i have ever seen in my life. She was struggling to hoist a box of raisin, apple, oatmeal from its shelf, over her shoulder, and to her cart, using her thin bony hands, and sheer willpower, and was losing the battle by a landslide. with the prior images in my mind, i instinctively hurled in the nearest tomato plant, (thank you Lil old Tilly) and rushed over to help. As i ran those 32 steps to where she stood, or rather hunched, in slow motion, all i could think was, "oh dear G-D she is like an ant carrying a potato chip, she will surely be crushed". However, when i arrived to the rescue, I was shocked to see that by some miracle of G-D, she had managed to get the oatmeal into her shopping cart, and proceed foreword to the north beach seafood isle, while humming the song, "hes got the whole world in his hands" all the way there.
Though a little baffled, and perhaps even intrigued, I finished up my shopping, and proceeded to the checkout counter, and sure enough, there in my line, right in front of me, was little ms. someones great great great grandmother, struggling to place a box of tissues onto the conveyor belt, with close to 15 items left in her cart, including a 42 pound watermelon, and an entire apple tree, and to top it off, she was in the express lane.
This time i was ready to act, and so i bent lower, No lower, no even lower, and in the nicest, sweetest, most gentlemanly voice i could muster, i said, "excuse me, but would you like some help with those?"
What she responded, was completely contrary to what I expected, and in total opposition with what i had been taught as a child. She didn't except with a polite and gratuitous "yes" and pull out a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies from her oversizes bag, nor did she move aside to allow me access to help. She stood there, with her arms folded across her chest, and said, "no you may not help me. I am only 87 years old, and perfectly capable of helping myself!!!!!"
Now although granted a bolt of lightning did strike down from the heavens and smite this evil witch, her response was still a huge shock to me. It was like a slap in the face, and it disturbed the complacency of my thoughts, nearly as much as when i turned 24, and my parents told me that Santa wasn't real.(thank G-D at least the tooth fairy is real) I must say, it was definitely one of the most horrifying experiences of my life.
What is the moral of this story you ask?, what can we learn from this experience?. Well my Friends, (and foes, as long as your reading my blog and generating traffic its OK) the lesson we learn is not to eat healthy!! For eating healthy=going to the local health food, and fruits store . And going to the local health food, and fruit store=losing respect for your elders. So eating healthy ultimately=losing respect for your elders. So when our elders ask us why we don't eat healthy, we will just answer them, because Lil old Tilly said I shouldn't!!!! wont we.....
Bartholomew out!
These acts of merit don't go unrewarded, as one may receive gifts of appreciation ranging from a jar full of quarters, to a pet goat, to a beautiful granddaughter for wedlock, or in the case of Jim Carey, a preasant from Tilly that has the same ultimate affect as ipecac or activated charcoal.
These were some of the images that flashed before mt eyes earlier this morning, as i was patrolling the second isle of my local health foods and fruits store in search of southeast-Asian-purple-grape-pears, and chanced upon one such a scene.
There, in between the spinach, parsley, cupcake shelf, and the all natural, germ wheat, organic, spelt cookies, was the oldest, most shriveled up lady i have ever seen in my life. She was struggling to hoist a box of raisin, apple, oatmeal from its shelf, over her shoulder, and to her cart, using her thin bony hands, and sheer willpower, and was losing the battle by a landslide. with the prior images in my mind, i instinctively hurled in the nearest tomato plant, (thank you Lil old Tilly) and rushed over to help. As i ran those 32 steps to where she stood, or rather hunched, in slow motion, all i could think was, "oh dear G-D she is like an ant carrying a potato chip, she will surely be crushed". However, when i arrived to the rescue, I was shocked to see that by some miracle of G-D, she had managed to get the oatmeal into her shopping cart, and proceed foreword to the north beach seafood isle, while humming the song, "hes got the whole world in his hands" all the way there.
Though a little baffled, and perhaps even intrigued, I finished up my shopping, and proceeded to the checkout counter, and sure enough, there in my line, right in front of me, was little ms. someones great great great grandmother, struggling to place a box of tissues onto the conveyor belt, with close to 15 items left in her cart, including a 42 pound watermelon, and an entire apple tree, and to top it off, she was in the express lane.
This time i was ready to act, and so i bent lower, No lower, no even lower, and in the nicest, sweetest, most gentlemanly voice i could muster, i said, "excuse me, but would you like some help with those?"
What she responded, was completely contrary to what I expected, and in total opposition with what i had been taught as a child. She didn't except with a polite and gratuitous "yes" and pull out a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies from her oversizes bag, nor did she move aside to allow me access to help. She stood there, with her arms folded across her chest, and said, "no you may not help me. I am only 87 years old, and perfectly capable of helping myself!!!!!"
Now although granted a bolt of lightning did strike down from the heavens and smite this evil witch, her response was still a huge shock to me. It was like a slap in the face, and it disturbed the complacency of my thoughts, nearly as much as when i turned 24, and my parents told me that Santa wasn't real.(thank G-D at least the tooth fairy is real) I must say, it was definitely one of the most horrifying experiences of my life.
What is the moral of this story you ask?, what can we learn from this experience?. Well my Friends, (and foes, as long as your reading my blog and generating traffic its OK) the lesson we learn is not to eat healthy!! For eating healthy=going to the local health food, and fruits store . And going to the local health food, and fruit store=losing respect for your elders. So eating healthy ultimately=losing respect for your elders. So when our elders ask us why we don't eat healthy, we will just answer them, because Lil old Tilly said I shouldn't!!!! wont we.....
Bartholomew out!
Monday, February 2, 2009
BBC Iran declared illegal
The Iranian government has officially declared the newborn BBC network, which was launched a mere 3 weeks ago, to be illegal, officials say.
The network, based out of a goat farm in Iran, was aimed at broadcasting to, and informing, the general public of Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan, Turbankastan, and suicidebombershavemanywiveskastan, of any immanent dangers, and potential threats, that would face them in the future, and to heed them warning enough to take protective measures over themselves, and their pet goats.
With Iran one of the major contributors to these threats, the network was rapidly declared a violation of the 9Th amendment to the constitution of the united states of Iran, and deemed illegal.
when informed that Iran is an authoritarian, tyrannical, regime, and therefore doesn't have a constitution, Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad was quoted as saying "the tree huggers will hug trees, and the Honey hogers will hog honey, but by g-d the British are coming, the British are coming." President Ahmadinejad then proceeded to break out into cheery song singing "London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London bridge is falling down, my fair boychick." Disturbing?..... yes!... Psychopathic?.....maybe! Frightening?.....I suppose....
Pleas for reconsideration have fallen on deaf ears, and the Iranian government has threatened to slaughter 1 Innocent baby goat, every half hour, until the BBC film crew and reporters are on cable cars out of the country.
007 Mr. Daniel Craig has been deployed on the top secret recovery mission, from within the lions den, in which each member of the BBC team will be rescued, along with an adopted goat, and a complimentary basket of sand.
Though details of the mission are highly classified, i am able to tell you that Mr. Craig plans to take a 9:15 p.m. flight into Iran, from Sisile's Italy, on Friday the 16 of February, under the assumed name of Mr. James Q Bond. He will then be picked up by a yellow limousine with 007 painted on its side in hot pink,. Mr. Craig, or Bond for that matter, will then be escorted to the Hotel De Oily Turban, where he will spend the night in room 213 with only one guard at his door.In the morning, Mr. Craig/Bond will rise along with the sun, the roosters, and the goats, and will proceed to the compound where the hostages are being held via a green Apache helicopter, serial number #146acp4. He will repel into the building via the southeast corner of the roof, and take out the guards with hot tea and biscuits to the chest. After securing the Britain's, Mr. Bond/Craig will then proceed to smuggle them out of the compound under the pretext of (you guessed it) used goat salesman, by taking the northernmost road in a caravan of baby blue mini coopers. At the rendezvous point which will be an empty Field two miles north of the border, everyone will change into cement truck driver uniforms, with the name goats r us embroidered n their hats and shirts, and proceed to drive cement trucks over the border. The exact number of wheels on the cement trucks however, i cannot divulge, for knowledge of this information can potentially compromise the operation, and jeopardise that safety of the BBC team. I'm sure you understand what i mean.
Further details are still beginning to emerge, and as allways, we will fulfil our civil duty to keep you the public informed about information that is completely irrelevant to you.
Until then, don't panic, stay cautious, and make sure to feed your goats!!!!
Bartholomew (goat) Out.
The network, based out of a goat farm in Iran, was aimed at broadcasting to, and informing, the general public of Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan, Turbankastan, and suicidebombershavemanywiveskastan, of any immanent dangers, and potential threats, that would face them in the future, and to heed them warning enough to take protective measures over themselves, and their pet goats.
With Iran one of the major contributors to these threats, the network was rapidly declared a violation of the 9Th amendment to the constitution of the united states of Iran, and deemed illegal.
when informed that Iran is an authoritarian, tyrannical, regime, and therefore doesn't have a constitution, Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad was quoted as saying "the tree huggers will hug trees, and the Honey hogers will hog honey, but by g-d the British are coming, the British are coming." President Ahmadinejad then proceeded to break out into cheery song singing "London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London bridge is falling down, my fair boychick." Disturbing?..... yes!... Psychopathic?.....maybe! Frightening?.....I suppose....
Pleas for reconsideration have fallen on deaf ears, and the Iranian government has threatened to slaughter 1 Innocent baby goat, every half hour, until the BBC film crew and reporters are on cable cars out of the country.
007 Mr. Daniel Craig has been deployed on the top secret recovery mission, from within the lions den, in which each member of the BBC team will be rescued, along with an adopted goat, and a complimentary basket of sand.
Though details of the mission are highly classified, i am able to tell you that Mr. Craig plans to take a 9:15 p.m. flight into Iran, from Sisile's Italy, on Friday the 16 of February, under the assumed name of Mr. James Q Bond. He will then be picked up by a yellow limousine with 007 painted on its side in hot pink,. Mr. Craig, or Bond for that matter, will then be escorted to the Hotel De Oily Turban, where he will spend the night in room 213 with only one guard at his door.In the morning, Mr. Craig/Bond will rise along with the sun, the roosters, and the goats, and will proceed to the compound where the hostages are being held via a green Apache helicopter, serial number #146acp4. He will repel into the building via the southeast corner of the roof, and take out the guards with hot tea and biscuits to the chest. After securing the Britain's, Mr. Bond/Craig will then proceed to smuggle them out of the compound under the pretext of (you guessed it) used goat salesman, by taking the northernmost road in a caravan of baby blue mini coopers. At the rendezvous point which will be an empty Field two miles north of the border, everyone will change into cement truck driver uniforms, with the name goats r us embroidered n their hats and shirts, and proceed to drive cement trucks over the border. The exact number of wheels on the cement trucks however, i cannot divulge, for knowledge of this information can potentially compromise the operation, and jeopardise that safety of the BBC team. I'm sure you understand what i mean.
Further details are still beginning to emerge, and as allways, we will fulfil our civil duty to keep you the public informed about information that is completely irrelevant to you.
Until then, don't panic, stay cautious, and make sure to feed your goats!!!!
Bartholomew (goat) Out.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Tea time with Barrack and John.
“You’re a liar” “You’re a meany head” “Four eyes” “Monkey face” “Train tracks.”
These are just a few of the verbal attacks launched by the O’bama campaign Against the McCain’s, and visa versa during the 2008 presidential elections, in a very mature Attempt to win over the popular as well as electoral vote.
The last time I heard comments of such vulgarity and scathing ferocity was in the second grade, when Mortin klutznick and Aaron Nuconbeil were fighting over who got to water the plants in the back of the classroom while Mr. Howardson was at a teachers Conference in Las Vegas. At least that’s what he told us he was there for at the time. It Wasn’t until five and a half months later when his new wife Candy gave birth to a little boy-girl Thingy, that we figured it out. He had gone to Vegas to learn the art of pole dancing so that he Would have a trade to teach little Sam-Mel when he-she grew up.
Well needless to say, Mortin won the feud, only to be murdered during nap time by Aaron with a pair of scissors and the glue gun we used during arts and crafts. Which brings me to my next topic of discussion, and title of today’s Blog posting, “Tea time with Barrack and John on cable television”.
Seriously. CNN reported yesterday that President elect Barrack. Hussein. O’bama, And former Republican candidate John-2nd place-Silver medal-McCain, met up for tea and Biscuits in a red English style telephone booth, where they discussed football, or soccer, or whatever It’s called in America (we called it soccer in Kenya) as well as how the Democratic and Republican parties can work together in a conglomerate effort to: eradicate poverty, strengthen the economy, stop Americas dependence on oil, and prevent tiger woods from winning yet another PGA tour title. And of course the most important item on the agenda, who they would rather do, Jessica Alba with no legs,or Julia Roberts in her third trimester.
That’s correct, the age old adage of “keep your friends close, and your enemies closer” Has Given way to a new axiom, “keep your friends close, and keep “that-guy-who-publicly-defamed-and-Falsely-slandered-you,-costing-you-billions-of pesos-(they’re worth more in our country than the dollar is)In-counter-ads-and management-campaigning”, closer.
In fact an insider source for “dig up dirt on famous people and then blackmail them” newspaper has Confirmed that the history making, president elect, Barrack, and John-close but no cigar-better luck next time,-McCain, will be spending a weekend “pasty white fat guy hunting” along with former vise president to George. W. Bush-brains, Dick Cheney, in havenomorals Alabama.
Nothing further has been reported, but we will fulfill our civil duty and keep the public informed as the story develops.
In a completely unrelated story, Jessica Alba reportedly had both of her legs bitten off in an unfortunate
Crocodile accident, on the set to her new documentary, “what really happened to Steve Erwin” the conspiracy Theory behind the scenes, as Tom cruise sees it.
In other Celebrity gossip news, Julia Roberts is apparently pregnant again, and has managed amazingly to hide it from the paparazzi for the past Eight months.
Bartholomue out.
These are just a few of the verbal attacks launched by the O’bama campaign Against the McCain’s, and visa versa during the 2008 presidential elections, in a very mature Attempt to win over the popular as well as electoral vote.
The last time I heard comments of such vulgarity and scathing ferocity was in the second grade, when Mortin klutznick and Aaron Nuconbeil were fighting over who got to water the plants in the back of the classroom while Mr. Howardson was at a teachers Conference in Las Vegas. At least that’s what he told us he was there for at the time. It Wasn’t until five and a half months later when his new wife Candy gave birth to a little boy-girl Thingy, that we figured it out. He had gone to Vegas to learn the art of pole dancing so that he Would have a trade to teach little Sam-Mel when he-she grew up.
Well needless to say, Mortin won the feud, only to be murdered during nap time by Aaron with a pair of scissors and the glue gun we used during arts and crafts. Which brings me to my next topic of discussion, and title of today’s Blog posting, “Tea time with Barrack and John on cable television”.
Seriously. CNN reported yesterday that President elect Barrack. Hussein. O’bama, And former Republican candidate John-2nd place-Silver medal-McCain, met up for tea and Biscuits in a red English style telephone booth, where they discussed football, or soccer, or whatever It’s called in America (we called it soccer in Kenya) as well as how the Democratic and Republican parties can work together in a conglomerate effort to: eradicate poverty, strengthen the economy, stop Americas dependence on oil, and prevent tiger woods from winning yet another PGA tour title. And of course the most important item on the agenda, who they would rather do, Jessica Alba with no legs,or Julia Roberts in her third trimester.
That’s correct, the age old adage of “keep your friends close, and your enemies closer” Has Given way to a new axiom, “keep your friends close, and keep “that-guy-who-publicly-defamed-and-Falsely-slandered-you,-costing-you-billions-of pesos-(they’re worth more in our country than the dollar is)In-counter-ads-and management-campaigning”, closer.
In fact an insider source for “dig up dirt on famous people and then blackmail them” newspaper has Confirmed that the history making, president elect, Barrack, and John-close but no cigar-better luck next time,-McCain, will be spending a weekend “pasty white fat guy hunting” along with former vise president to George. W. Bush-brains, Dick Cheney, in havenomorals Alabama.
Nothing further has been reported, but we will fulfill our civil duty and keep the public informed as the story develops.
In a completely unrelated story, Jessica Alba reportedly had both of her legs bitten off in an unfortunate
Crocodile accident, on the set to her new documentary, “what really happened to Steve Erwin” the conspiracy Theory behind the scenes, as Tom cruise sees it.
In other Celebrity gossip news, Julia Roberts is apparently pregnant again, and has managed amazingly to hide it from the paparazzi for the past Eight months.
Bartholomue out.
Disneyland to cut workers amidst economic decline.
Grocery store pumpkin pie, and tofu turkey was the unfortunate scene at the tables of hundreds of billions of middle class families across America this past thanksgiving (note the overdramatisized number for point making) as the economy has taken such a hard beating that it can no longer cover up the black and blue marks with "i bumped into a door" excuses.
In fact the AAFTPTDHSFCAA or the American Association For Tracking Peoples Travel During Holiday Season For Comic Affect Associated (note the redundancy for point makingness) has reported that the number of people who traveled more than the distance from their living room to their room filled with junk and other crap this holiday weekend has dropped a whopping 72.4 % as more and more families are learning the cold hard truth of budgeting and rationing, as well as what vegetarians must go through on a daily basis.
One middle class American who has taken a hard beating in the economic decline is the recently famed Joe "the Shmo" plumber (note all names have been changed so as to not publicly defame the subjects of our public defamation for point makingnessitude) who said that even during the usually busy holiday season of plumbering, many people have resorted to using empty beer bottles and buckets to take care of their business, and that is taking a toll on his plumber purse (wallet where plumbers keep their money). what he means by this I'm not quite sure although some annalists believe he means that people are simply learning to do their own plumbing on the Internet using empty bear bottles and buckets as tools, and buying plumber purses made in china on Chinese Friday to keep the money they saved in.
One major business that has suffered dramatically this holiday season is the famed Disneyland, where dreams can happen or something like that as many people who usually made a yearly pilgrimage to see such characters as batman, robin, Santa, and Mickey mouse whom are known for their warm hospitality during the thanksgiving time. perhaps to hospitable as there are currently 47 law suits being brought against a certain character who lives there though we will leave it up to your imagination to figure out for what.(that is what with the w pronounced before the h for point makingnessitudeability) after all it is the land of fantasy are staying close to home in an attempt to save money for their children's crack funds.(takes deep breath as that was a very long sentence)
Unfortunately the Disneyland board has announced that due to the loss in annual income, they will be laying off characters left and right. left to live and right to go. Mickey mouse was quoted as saying the following. "i just turned 80 so my pension kicks in. suck it bitches". when told that was inappropriate to say in front of children Mickey was quoted as saying "@!%$@^$^ the kids I'm retiring".
Anywhoooooo, that is the level of lunacy's we have seen as the economy has melted to nothing but ashes. ashes. we all fall down.
For "dig up dirt on celebrities and then blackmail them" news, I am Bartholomew Higgins.
Bartholomew out.
In fact the AAFTPTDHSFCAA or the American Association For Tracking Peoples Travel During Holiday Season For Comic Affect Associated (note the redundancy for point makingness) has reported that the number of people who traveled more than the distance from their living room to their room filled with junk and other crap this holiday weekend has dropped a whopping 72.4 % as more and more families are learning the cold hard truth of budgeting and rationing, as well as what vegetarians must go through on a daily basis.
One middle class American who has taken a hard beating in the economic decline is the recently famed Joe "the Shmo" plumber (note all names have been changed so as to not publicly defame the subjects of our public defamation for point makingnessitude) who said that even during the usually busy holiday season of plumbering, many people have resorted to using empty beer bottles and buckets to take care of their business, and that is taking a toll on his plumber purse (wallet where plumbers keep their money). what he means by this I'm not quite sure although some annalists believe he means that people are simply learning to do their own plumbing on the Internet using empty bear bottles and buckets as tools, and buying plumber purses made in china on Chinese Friday to keep the money they saved in.
One major business that has suffered dramatically this holiday season is the famed Disneyland, where dreams can happen or something like that as many people who usually made a yearly pilgrimage to see such characters as batman, robin, Santa, and Mickey mouse whom are known for their warm hospitality during the thanksgiving time. perhaps to hospitable as there are currently 47 law suits being brought against a certain character who lives there though we will leave it up to your imagination to figure out for what.(that is what with the w pronounced before the h for point makingnessitudeability) after all it is the land of fantasy are staying close to home in an attempt to save money for their children's crack funds.(takes deep breath as that was a very long sentence)
Unfortunately the Disneyland board has announced that due to the loss in annual income, they will be laying off characters left and right. left to live and right to go. Mickey mouse was quoted as saying the following. "i just turned 80 so my pension kicks in. suck it bitches". when told that was inappropriate to say in front of children Mickey was quoted as saying "@!%$@^$^ the kids I'm retiring".
Anywhoooooo, that is the level of lunacy's we have seen as the economy has melted to nothing but ashes. ashes. we all fall down.
For "dig up dirt on celebrities and then blackmail them" news, I am Bartholomew Higgins.
Bartholomew out.
The extinction of the bipoler bear.
In its natural habitat the bipolar bear seems fierce, yet tame. angry, yet calm. happy, yet sad. And everything in between. One moment he is violently ripping deer to shreds along with the lions, and the next he is braiding the cougar's hair, and knitting quilts with Steven the peacock. So lives the bipolar bear, on the edge of danger, yet at a safe enough distance that nothing can go wrong.
With a strict daily diet of vegetables and fruit, nothing more nothing less, and meats and cheeses, nothing less nothing more, the bipolar bear gains the strength necessary to uphold his status as the prince of the jungle, and yet the pauper of his natural habitat.
As a monogamous animal, the bipolar bear seeks out and mates with hundreds of female bears at any given time, and then proceeds to hunt and kill baby sheep to use as parchment to construct pro PETA signs out of.
Such is the life of the bipolar bear as it lives life to the fullest, yet dies young and unfulfilled.
Sadly however, the bipolar bear is becoming ever extinct, as the career of psychology is becoming a more and more popular choise amongst the dolphins, and prozac has been approved as an over the counter drug.
But you, yes you, the ice cold guy over there with four legs and a sleek new cell phone, you have the power to help stop these shocking things from happening. All it takes is a compassionate heart, a will to help, courage, and a set of 1842 silver dollars valued today at $45.6 million, and you can become the proud owner of your very own bipolar bear, Ripped from its natural habitat special for you. And Ice Creem truck or not, we do grantee the chick magnet to be included. (three AAA batteries not included)
Bartholomew out.
With a strict daily diet of vegetables and fruit, nothing more nothing less, and meats and cheeses, nothing less nothing more, the bipolar bear gains the strength necessary to uphold his status as the prince of the jungle, and yet the pauper of his natural habitat.
As a monogamous animal, the bipolar bear seeks out and mates with hundreds of female bears at any given time, and then proceeds to hunt and kill baby sheep to use as parchment to construct pro PETA signs out of.
Such is the life of the bipolar bear as it lives life to the fullest, yet dies young and unfulfilled.
Sadly however, the bipolar bear is becoming ever extinct, as the career of psychology is becoming a more and more popular choise amongst the dolphins, and prozac has been approved as an over the counter drug.
But you, yes you, the ice cold guy over there with four legs and a sleek new cell phone, you have the power to help stop these shocking things from happening. All it takes is a compassionate heart, a will to help, courage, and a set of 1842 silver dollars valued today at $45.6 million, and you can become the proud owner of your very own bipolar bear, Ripped from its natural habitat special for you. And Ice Creem truck or not, we do grantee the chick magnet to be included. (three AAA batteries not included)
Bartholomew out.
Obama is a gutter ball!!
"Obama is a gutter ball!! Obama is a gutter ball!! Everyone together now!Obama is a gutter ball!! Obama is a gutter ball!! Obama is a gutter ball!!" Such were just a few of the scathing chants, and angry picket signs yelled out and held up at the National Association for Bowlers Constitutional Rights protest rally against insulting reports that the white house and its new not so white, not so house, president elect, Barrack Obama, plans to transform the white house presidential bowling alley, installed by president Who Cares the third in the year 194no1givesaratsass, into a full sized, fully loaded, NBA grade basketball court.
A spokesperson for the lobbyist group Bowling Associated League Of Sports Environmental Reliability, or B A LOSER Albert Virginson, was quoted as saying Wednesday, " it is an outragiously outrageous outrage, and we the bowling community are outraged to the extent of outrageously repeating outrageous words such as outrage. I mean whats next? is the president going to turn the presidential cafiteria into a drug kitchen? is he planning to turn the oval office into the square office of gay black rights? Will the white house lawn become an amnesty zone for stolen bikes and stereo systems? Will the Washington monument be replaced by the Toupak Shakur monument? Will the white house Physician be swapped for Dr. Dre? Where does this stop? Where does the line get drawn? I say we draw it at the 10/10 split. I say we set the cutoff at perfect 300 game of all strikes. I say we stand up for our turkeys and our spares. Our fourbaggers and our cycling pin stops. I say we don't allow our president the opportunity to be a gutter ball. Then and only then can we go back to our cheep bear and hot wing contests in peace. Barrack, leave our bowling alley alone!!!!!
Upon inquiry, Mr. Obama proceeded to turn his over sized baseball cap to the side, pull up his sagging pants, hoist a large stereo system blaring "50, in the club" over his shoulder, and twirl a basketball on his other index finger, demonstrating his unquestionable ability to run a country with both of his hands tied up and responded, " It has been a long time coming, overdue, trend in this country, but change has finally come to Amerifrica. Read books and get smart? No. Just play basketball. Trade stocks and get rich? No. You still haven't mastered that perimeter shot. Cure illness and help the poor? Can you dunk like Jordan yet? I didn't think so. You ask me how to fight terrorism, the answer is a game of three on three hoops. You ask me how to fix the economy? the answer is no doubt as Coby says best, " get the ball into the hoop, no matter what it takes". This is why you, the popular sovereignty of the united States of America elected me president. This is what you saw in me, and not in my contender, a 76 year old white boy from Arizona , who thinks basketball is a golf green in CConnecticut. You saw that i could lead this country into victory against any other governmental team in the world. Change has come to Amerifrica, and its called presidential slam dunk 2009!!!!
Mariska Hargatay.
Bartholomew out.
A spokesperson for the lobbyist group Bowling Associated League Of Sports Environmental Reliability, or B A LOSER Albert Virginson, was quoted as saying Wednesday, " it is an outragiously outrageous outrage, and we the bowling community are outraged to the extent of outrageously repeating outrageous words such as outrage. I mean whats next? is the president going to turn the presidential cafiteria into a drug kitchen? is he planning to turn the oval office into the square office of gay black rights? Will the white house lawn become an amnesty zone for stolen bikes and stereo systems? Will the Washington monument be replaced by the Toupak Shakur monument? Will the white house Physician be swapped for Dr. Dre? Where does this stop? Where does the line get drawn? I say we draw it at the 10/10 split. I say we set the cutoff at perfect 300 game of all strikes. I say we stand up for our turkeys and our spares. Our fourbaggers and our cycling pin stops. I say we don't allow our president the opportunity to be a gutter ball. Then and only then can we go back to our cheep bear and hot wing contests in peace. Barrack, leave our bowling alley alone!!!!!
Upon inquiry, Mr. Obama proceeded to turn his over sized baseball cap to the side, pull up his sagging pants, hoist a large stereo system blaring "50, in the club" over his shoulder, and twirl a basketball on his other index finger, demonstrating his unquestionable ability to run a country with both of his hands tied up and responded, " It has been a long time coming, overdue, trend in this country, but change has finally come to Amerifrica. Read books and get smart? No. Just play basketball. Trade stocks and get rich? No. You still haven't mastered that perimeter shot. Cure illness and help the poor? Can you dunk like Jordan yet? I didn't think so. You ask me how to fight terrorism, the answer is a game of three on three hoops. You ask me how to fix the economy? the answer is no doubt as Coby says best, " get the ball into the hoop, no matter what it takes". This is why you, the popular sovereignty of the united States of America elected me president. This is what you saw in me, and not in my contender, a 76 year old white boy from Arizona , who thinks basketball is a golf green in CConnecticut. You saw that i could lead this country into victory against any other governmental team in the world. Change has come to Amerifrica, and its called presidential slam dunk 2009!!!!
Mariska Hargatay.
Bartholomew out.
Gravest danger since ManBearPig!!!
Al Gore and global warming are far evanescent, as Bigfoot and our social security funds have been for years. Judgment day and cold wars had us petrified as Y2k bugs, yet a far more threatening danger arose uncontested. a force of uncontainable power with no limits or restrictions, arose, and has come to dominate the streets of South America, as it spreads its venomous web as far as Mexico City, with the United States of America in its sights.
I am speaking of course of the horrific "revenge of the gum wads". No that is not the duplicitous face of some fierce drug lord who's name is derived from the fruity juice flavor of gum that he chews, nor is it the name of a Terminal illness which strikes during gum chewing, in the face of death. We are dealing with something far more grave, which is noow categorized as the biggest danger and threat unaware to the innocent(of any ethics or morals) people of south eastern northerly western Mexico. Or as they say in Spanish, its-all-the-same-crappy-wasteland-full-of-worthless-degenerates-almost-as-bad-as-Canada-so-who-gives-a-rats-behind Mexico.
CNN reporter Chewbaka Sparementson reported Thursday from the scene of a 419 automobile pileup accident which included 14 cement trucks on mob missions, 6 corn Field tractors, an 18 wheeler carrying CPR dummies, a ketchup truck,(which incidentally is the reason that rescue officials had such a hard time identifying victims to administer treatment to) and a school bus to name just a few. Preliminary reports indicate that the accident occured when a school bus got stuck in a huge wad of gum lying in the middle of the street, and came to a sudden halt. All vehicles behind had no choice but to plow head on into the vehicle in front of it, resulting in, well a 419 automobile pileup.(419 auto pileup #2 comes out in stores in early November of 2012). " It was a scene of complete chaos and destruction. Everywhere you looked all you could see was gum. On the ground, in the sky. Gum on the walls, and on the storefronts. Everywhere." reported Chewbaka then broke out into singsong singing "gum is here, gum is there, gum is truly everywhere. up up, down down, right left, and all around. here there and everywhere. that's where the gum can be found."
Shortly after the scene had been cleared, Mexican president Taco De lacukaratch held a press conference in which he vowed to stand up against, and eradicate, this force of evil if its the last thing that he does in his lifetime. Ironically, on his way down from the podium Mr. De lacukaratcha slipped on a piece of gum and plunged to his death. May he piece in rest. Let us share a moment of silent gum chewing in his memory.
Soon after, Mexican litigators introduced a bill which if approved will call for an end to gum chewing altogether, and will give police the authority to shoot on sight to kill anyone who dares to commit such a heinous crime.
A spokesperson for the gum lobbyist group " we are corrupt and proud of it" was quoted as saying, " such a law would be a direct denial of our basic first amendment rights and freedoms to make burritos out of whatever we choose, including gum, and we will wine, dine, bribe, and blackmail whomever and whatever(huh?) we must in order to ensure that this bill is quashed once and for all.
All in all, the most dangerous threat out there today isn't global warming, it isn't Osama Bin Laden, it isn'tMarlin Brando, nor is it the angry man with the beard and four fingers. It's wirgley's, Must, and (in a whisper) the Mets.
Bartholomew out!
I am speaking of course of the horrific "revenge of the gum wads". No that is not the duplicitous face of some fierce drug lord who's name is derived from the fruity juice flavor of gum that he chews, nor is it the name of a Terminal illness which strikes during gum chewing, in the face of death. We are dealing with something far more grave, which is noow categorized as the biggest danger and threat unaware to the innocent(of any ethics or morals) people of south eastern northerly western Mexico. Or as they say in Spanish, its-all-the-same-crappy-wasteland-full-of-worthless-degenerates-almost-as-bad-as-Canada-so-who-gives-a-rats-behind Mexico.
CNN reporter Chewbaka Sparementson reported Thursday from the scene of a 419 automobile pileup accident which included 14 cement trucks on mob missions, 6 corn Field tractors, an 18 wheeler carrying CPR dummies, a ketchup truck,(which incidentally is the reason that rescue officials had such a hard time identifying victims to administer treatment to) and a school bus to name just a few. Preliminary reports indicate that the accident occured when a school bus got stuck in a huge wad of gum lying in the middle of the street, and came to a sudden halt. All vehicles behind had no choice but to plow head on into the vehicle in front of it, resulting in, well a 419 automobile pileup.(419 auto pileup #2 comes out in stores in early November of 2012). " It was a scene of complete chaos and destruction. Everywhere you looked all you could see was gum. On the ground, in the sky. Gum on the walls, and on the storefronts. Everywhere." reported Chewbaka then broke out into singsong singing "gum is here, gum is there, gum is truly everywhere. up up, down down, right left, and all around. here there and everywhere. that's where the gum can be found."
Shortly after the scene had been cleared, Mexican president Taco De lacukaratch held a press conference in which he vowed to stand up against, and eradicate, this force of evil if its the last thing that he does in his lifetime. Ironically, on his way down from the podium Mr. De lacukaratcha slipped on a piece of gum and plunged to his death. May he piece in rest. Let us share a moment of silent gum chewing in his memory.
Soon after, Mexican litigators introduced a bill which if approved will call for an end to gum chewing altogether, and will give police the authority to shoot on sight to kill anyone who dares to commit such a heinous crime.
A spokesperson for the gum lobbyist group " we are corrupt and proud of it" was quoted as saying, " such a law would be a direct denial of our basic first amendment rights and freedoms to make burritos out of whatever we choose, including gum, and we will wine, dine, bribe, and blackmail whomever and whatever(huh?) we must in order to ensure that this bill is quashed once and for all.
All in all, the most dangerous threat out there today isn't global warming, it isn't Osama Bin Laden, it isn'tMarlin Brando, nor is it the angry man with the beard and four fingers. It's wirgley's, Must, and (in a whisper) the Mets.
Bartholomew out!
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