New York Man Confesses To Heinious Crime of Knowing His Nextdoor Neighbor

In a shocking revelation Sunday, Frank Attitudeson, a half Italian, half Rottweiler, UPS truck driver, born and raised in Brooklyn N.Y. has confess to 7 counts of “statutory next door neighbor knowing in the 2nd degree” a representative for the New York Police Department says. Frank, who has been an employee for the United Postal Service, for nearly 23 years, turned himself in at 4 a.m. Saturday night, admitting that when he got home from work, in the dark, secret, sanctuary of the night, he surreptitiously crept to his neighbors door, and knocked, introducing himself with a friendly hello. “At first it was just one neighbor, and it continued to spread, until I knew 7 of my neighbors on the 3rd floor of our apartment building.” Attitudeson said. “It began to tear away at my soul and my wife and kids could tell something was up. It finally became too much, and I had to let it out.” Attitudeson responded with regard to the question of why he willingly turned himself in. When the news first hit the airwaves, it was reported that Attitudesons grandparents actually rolled over in their graves, causing a mass cave-in at the Brooklyn cemetery.
The “Next Door Neighbor Act,” passed in 19432, after a N.Y. woman’s admittance to her son that she did in fact know her neighbors caused a world war in which millions perished, was enacted in an attempt to prevent any catastrophic cases of next door neighbor knowing in the future, by slapping hefty fines, and jail time, or in cases were special circumstances are found, LWOP (Life in prison Without Opportunity for Parole), or the death penalty, on any N.Yer who has the audacity to know their neighbor. The act is a unique piece of legislation in the sense that it only applies to N.Yers, and not to residents of any other states in the country.
Attitudeson’s attorneys refused to comment, though special prosecutor, Alberto Consuelo Delgado Fernandez, expressed his intent to prosecute and convict Attitudeson, rather than take the traditional route in criminal cases of the sort to plea bargain. In Frank’s case, if convicted he can expect a $700,000,000 fine, as well as 37 years in prison, for each of the 7 counts.
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Regurio Orlando Martinez Lacucaracha De Latacobell, and Leah White, contributed to this story.