Gravest danger since ManBearPig!!!

Al Gore and global warming are far evanescent, as Bigfoot and our social security funds have been for years. Judgment day and cold wars had us petrified as Y2k bugs, yet a far more threatening danger arose uncontested. a force of uncontainable power with no limits or restrictions, arose, and has come to dominate the streets of South America, as it spreads its venomous web as far as Mexico City, with the United States of America in its sights.
I am speaking of course of the horrific "revenge of the gum wads". No that is not the duplicitous face of some fierce drug lord who's name is derived from the fruity juice flavor of gum that he chews, nor is it the name of a Terminal illness which strikes during gum chewing, in the face of death. We are dealing with something far more grave, which is noow categorized as the biggest danger and threat unaware to the innocent(of any ethics or morals) people of south eastern northerly western Mexico. Or as they say in Spanish, its-all-the-same-crappy-wasteland-full-of-worthless-degenerates-almost-as-bad-as-Canada-so-who-gives-a-rats-behind Mexico.
CNN reporter Chewbaka Sparementson reported Thursday from the scene of a 419 automobile pileup accident which included 14 cement trucks on mob missions, 6 corn Field tractors, an 18 wheeler carrying CPR dummies, a ketchup truck,(which incidentally is the reason that rescue officials had such a hard time identifying victims to administer treatment to) and a school bus to name just a few. Preliminary reports indicate that the accident occured when a school bus got stuck in a huge wad of gum lying in the middle of the street, and came to a sudden halt. All vehicles behind had no choice but to plow head on into the vehicle in front of it, resulting in, well a 419 automobile pileup.(419 auto pileup #2 comes out in stores in early November of 2012). " It was a scene of complete chaos and destruction. Everywhere you looked all you could see was gum. On the ground, in the sky. Gum on the walls, and on the storefronts. Everywhere." reported Chewbaka then broke out into singsong singing "gum is here, gum is there, gum is truly everywhere. up up, down down, right left, and all around. here there and everywhere. that's where the gum can be found."
Shortly after the scene had been cleared, Mexican president Taco De lacukaratch held a press conference in which he vowed to stand up against, and eradicate, this force of evil if its the last thing that he does in his lifetime. Ironically, on his way down from the podium Mr. De lacukaratcha slipped on a piece of gum and plunged to his death. May he piece in rest. Let us share a moment of silent gum chewing in his memory.
Soon after, Mexican litigators introduced a bill which if approved will call for an end to gum chewing altogether, and will give police the authority to shoot on sight to kill anyone who dares to commit such a heinous crime.
A spokesperson for the gum lobbyist group " we are corrupt and proud of it" was quoted as saying, " such a law would be a direct denial of our basic first amendment rights and freedoms to make burritos out of whatever we choose, including gum, and we will wine, dine, bribe, and blackmail whomever and whatever(huh?) we must in order to ensure that this bill is quashed once and for all.
All in all, the most dangerous threat out there today isn't global warming, it isn't Osama Bin Laden, it isn'tMarlin Brando, nor is it the angry man with the beard and four fingers. It's wirgley's, Must, and (in a whisper) the Mets.
Bartholomew out!